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I've heard of this Tan Wong: he's an eccentric, internationally known financier, highly regarded, of course (how else could he have access to my email address) who brokers huge business deals involving lots of money.
Being based in Hong Kong allows him to move money quickly, mostly through the limitless coffers of the Communist Chinese regime. Every time the money is moved, Tan Wong makes another fortune.
Because of his immense riches and influence, the Chinese government has recently sought to limit his fortune, simply because they feel that it is obscene that an avowed communist makes so much money.
The plan they came up with is this: Mr. Tan must give away a set sum every 48 hours and that sum, based on one percent of the US debt to China, is exactly $24,500,000.00!
The gift must be made randomly, and must be made to an American born on 9/11. It's all very symbolic, you see. The Chinese are like that, evidently.
The idea is that Americans born on 9/11 had their birthdays snatched away from them by the late Osama bin Laden. I have to say that this is true- I haven't really been able to have a great celebration since 2000. The Chinese believe that by selecting someone born on this date they are restoring, slowly, a cosmic balance in the West, and are far more likely, therefore, to have their debt repaid, including interest.
Mr. Tan Wong has been selected as the agent of - what?- joss, perhaps (not Kharma, that's Buddhist) by the powerful ruling officials of China to restore this cosmic order.
And finally, I've been selected!
Of course, now everything changes. I'll no longer be humble Bret Littlehales, but now, multi- millionaire, ultra powerful Bret Littlehales. However, I promise I won't forget my really good, true friends, even as I wreak expensive vengeance on everyone who ever wronged me, like that maintenance guy at Johns Hopkins who claimed I scratched his crummy $4000.00 table or the guy in front of me at the traffic light near the Giant who wouldn't turn left on the left turn arrow no matter how much I honked and screamed.
Thanks to Mr. Tan Wong, those guys are toast.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
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I bow down before you, oh, master of the universe! Spare change?
Wow, Mr. Tan Wong is the best! Things are gonna change, I can feel it!
I hope that you'll also share some of your wealth with your favorite middle daughter.
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